OK, we admit it. We were rolling on the floor laughing because of this incredibly honest review by Reddit user, awkwardurinalglance, on what it was really like attending his first yoga class. Here are 17 of the best parts of his experience which had us in stitches.
1. Reason for going
'My GF said something about how flexibility is a real turn on or people should be able to touch their toes without sweating and gargling, or some such malarkey.'
2. Entrance of Yoga studio
'Most of the [others] were standing around on one foot with their other foot flamingoed to their knees. They were probably drinking herbal tea and discussing their upcoming retreat to India. They were all petite and graceful. And then there was me. I looked like a guy at a pick-up basketball game that was about to get chosen last.'
'I paid my money, and was given a yoga mat, a towel, a foam block, a nylon strap thingy, and a pillow. I was fairly confused by most of these items, but I couldn’t help but be a little excited by the pillow and the prospect of a nap.'
4. Alternate Nostril Breathing
'The first thing she had us do was make a surfer, hang loose hand gesture and then hold our noses between our thumbs and pinkies. We were to alternate nostrils and take deep breaths in and out of one nostril then plugging it and breathing in and out of the other one... making sure that we got all of the snot out of our noses (I’m guessing that’s what it was for).'
5. Cat-Cow Pose
'Alternating between [Cat and Cow] poses made me look like a giant, sweaty, dryheaving cat. I’d give myself a B- for Yaking Kitty Flow.'
6. Child's Pose
'Child’s Pose should either be having your hand out asking for candy, pointing across the room because another kid did some stupid shit, or squirming around holding your crotch. This particular pose looked like a slave bowing to their masters in old films about Egypt... Eqyptian Slave Pose.'
7. His Child Pose
'For some reason when I try to sit on my heels, it’s like I have a force-field preventing me from going the rest of the way down... I just accepted my version of Egyptian Slave With a Floaty Ass Pose.'
8. Plank Pose
'This is the top of a push up that you just hold for about forever and a day. Once your arms start to tremble pretty hard then you get to pick up one of your feet and point it straight up in the air at the ceiling. This is pretty smart because then your body doesn’t know which pain to focus on, so you just hone in on not drooling all over yourself.'
9. Warrior 1 Pose
'You pretty much stand like Rafiki holding up Simba for all the animals in the Lion King to see.'
10. Warrior 2 Pose
'This one makes you look like you are surfing a huge wave. You put both arms out and pop a super hard gangster lean to one side. You’ll know you are doing it right when it feels like your leg is being slowly sawed off at the hip joint.'
11. 'The remote's behind me and I can almost get it’ Pose
'We laid down and just stretched our hand above our heads in ‘the remotes behind me and I can almost get it’ pose. After this we were told to hug our knees and rock back and forth... there wasn’t anything I wanted more than to get into the fetal position and rock back and forth.'
12. Vinyasa Flow
'We started doing our Venice Sausage Flow (I may have misheard her). This is where you stand up. A+. Then you touch your toes (upper shins). C-. Then, you lumber down to a trembly plank. D+. Then you do this sort of circular push up that ends with your head up and your bosom thrusted forward like The Little Mermaid coming out of the ocean. It felt like a lap dance maneuver. Then you stick your butt up in the air while on all fours, then sensually rise up... I felt a bit like Magic Mike with a hard emphasis on the XL.'
13. What's that smell?
'This was the point that I started to notice how much I smelled. And despite being super happy to be right in front of the fan, I also happened to realize that it was doing very little to keep me cooler while simultaneously wafting my stench through the whole studio. Being super nice yoga chicks, they only gagged slightly.'
14. Bow Pose
'We were told to get on our bellies. Aced that one. Then we were asked to bend our legs and grab our ankles from behind... This is when the instructor came over, grabbed my nylon strap, and put me into Self-Hogtie Pose... Since I was all tangled up, I was unable to just give up and enter Egyptian Slave With a Floaty Ass Pose. I just had to fight through the pain.'
15. Nap time?
'After that we were told to get the pillow out. Finally, nap time! But instead we were instructed to put it behind our butts and lift our legs straight up in the air. Determined not to get strapped up again, I f****** killed it. My legs were straight as arrows for like a minute. Let’s be real though, they would drop considerably whenever the instructor wasn’t looking. But they were straight as s*** when she was.'
16. 'Swearing that I’ll never do this BS again' time
'At the end of self-reflection time, or as I like to call it, “swearing that I’ll never f****** do this b***s**** again” time, everybody did an Asian hand clap motion and said the name of their favorite Indian restaurant.'
17. In conclusion
'Stunk up a yoga studio, and got hog-tied by my instructor for sucking at life.'
Well done, sir! You provided many giggles (and home truths)...